Communicating with women

When you find yourself wondering whether to give a woman a compliment, the answer is almost always no. There are a handful of situations where compliments are fair game, but they’re rare, and we’ll cover them at the end.

Culture has trained you to think you need to regularly tell women how beautiful they are. Movies, shows, songs, dating apps — they all push you toward leading with admiration. You’ve been conditioned to repeat a mistake without ever being told it was one.

The mistake is this: most compliments don’t make a woman more attracted to you. They often do the opposite.

What guys typically say

Here is a short list of the kinds of compliments a guy will reach for: you look beautiful right now, your hair is perfect, I get lost in your eyes, you’re my everything, you have an amazing body, how are you so pretty. Common, well-intentioned, and almost always counterproductive.

What she may actually be thinking

A compliment from a man, especially early in a relationship, opens up a list of interpretations she may run through without saying so. He’s just trying to sleep with me. He’s too interested in me too quickly. Maybe I’m too good for him. He’s lying — he just wants me to feel better about myself. He must not be around many beautiful women. Even when none of those apply, there’s one that almost always shows up: he’s so nice to me. And nice is not the word you want her using.

Each of those reads is worth a closer look.

He’s just trying to sleep with me. A compliment can land as a transaction — he’s saying something pleasant because he wants something in return.

He’s too interested in me too quickly. Recall that it takes women longer to build serious feelings for a man.

A man professing admiration the first night they’ve met sounds, to her, like a man with no other options.

Maybe I’m too good for him. Praise can elevate her in the wrong direction — above you — and once she’s on the pedestal, the climb back down is harder than it looks.

He’s lying. Even women who are stunning to look at find something they’re self-conscious about, and a compliment can land as an attempt to paper over a flaw she’s aware of, or as a deflection from it. Strange as it sounds, a compliment can leave her feeling worse, not better.

He must not be around many beautiful women. A man with options doesn’t announce that the woman in front of him is unusually attractive, because he sees attractive women regularly. Vocalizing your surprise at her appearance signals scarcity.

He’s so nice to me. Of all the reads, this is the one that does the most damage. Nice is what she calls the friend who isn’t a romantic prospect.

The same rule applies in writing

Compliments delivered through text, email, or any written channel get the same treatment. Lengthy love notes, poems, essays — all out. If writing is your only line of communication, and you genuinely cannot see her in person, you can still be sexual and playful. There’s a difference between telling a woman she’s pretty and telling her you want her, or that she excites you. Stick to the latter.

For occasional cards — birthdays, holidays, anniversaries — let the card do the heavy lifting and keep your own words short. A few introductions that work:

• “Happy to have...”

• “Looking forward to...”

• “Thank you for...”

Men don’t pour their hearts out on paper. The simplest and most powerful three words available to you remain “I love you.”

Social media

Comments on her photos online follow the same rule. Keep them brief, and stay off her looks. Don’t insinuate that she’s too good for you or that you don’t deserve her. Let the setting take the spotlight — the trip, the scenery, the event. When you do want to draw attention to her, use lines that don’t fawn:

• “Thankful for my wife.”

• “No complaints.”

• “Couldn’t be more excited to...”

• “Take notes.”

• “Enjoyed our time...”

And again, once you’re in a relationship where “love” is a regular word between you, the standbys “my love” and “I love you” do everything they need to do.

Will she still feel appreciated?

You may be worried that without verbal compliments she’ll feel ignored. She won’t. A woman’s need for affection is met by the way you treat her, not by the words you offer about her appearance. She knows how you feel by how you look at her, how long you spend with her, how your body is angled toward hers, and how you touch her. A slap on the rear, a tug on her shirt as she walks past, a kiss that catches her off guard — all of these do more for a relationship than telling her she looks gorgeous ever could.

When compliments are fair game

There are four situations where compliments are not only allowed but encouraged, provided they come from a real place.

Complimenting her non-physical aspects

When you compliment with no expectation of anything in return, feel free to recognize her work, her passions, her family, her tastes, her relationships, and her interests. As long as you’re not talking about her body, she’ll appreciate that you’ve noticed the parts of her life she has full control over. Don’t go overboard, though — she shouldn’t come to expect these. The less often they come, the more they’ll land.

Beyond the broad categories above, you can also draw attention to her ability to handle responsibility, her ability to navigate stress, her touch, her empathy, her drive, the way she does something, the way she handled a particular situation. You can take these compliments to the bank.

Complimenting her in front of others

This is the one circumstance where the guidelines loosen on her appearance too. When you say something flattering about her to other people — whether or not she’s in earshot — word reaches her, and she’ll be moved by it. The same compliment delivered to her face would be a misstep; delivered to a third party, it works.

The one and done

There’s one moment when commenting directly on her looks serves you well: the unfiltered reaction. If you turn around at a party and come face-to-face with a stunner, and you have not been staring at her for ten minutes building up to a line, the spontaneous first thing out of your mouth can be a compliment about her looks. Something like:

• “Hot damn.”

• “You’re stunning.”

• “Oh my god.”

You are commenting on her beauty, but she’ll be flattered because the comment was real. As long as your delivery is slow, clear, and unforced, the conversation that follows will go well. The choice of words matters less than the way they come out — a guy without confidence wouldn’t deliver an unfiltered first reaction to a beautiful woman. Once you’ve dropped the line, introduce yourself or start talking like a normal person. You can also leave the greeting at just that and wait for her to respond.

Special occasions

Once a woman is in love with you, small compliments are warranted, and you’ll know when. Weddings, formal events, birthdays, celebrations — these are the moments where letting your words come naturally is the right move.

When she fishes for one

Everyone needs reassurance sometimes. She may ask: what do you think of my hair? This is hideous, isn’t it? How do I look? What do you think of these jeans?

The best response is physical affection. Take the question as a cue that she wants you — go to her, kiss her, touch her, hold her. If you want to give her words instead, choose one of three directions.

Humor: “You never comment on my hair.”

A simple, low-key response that doesn’t overdo it: “Don’t be ridiculous.” “I like them.” “You look nice.” “You’re wrong.” “You can pull off anything.”

A deflection: “Let’s go.” “You look ready.” “I can’t even look at you right now.”

Whatever direction you pick, smile. The smile carries the reassurance she actually came looking for.

Do notice the changes she makes

Not regularly complimenting her doesn’t mean ignoring her. When she changes something about her appearance, notice it, and ask:

• “Did you get your hair done?”

• “Did you get your nails done?”

• “Is that a new dress?”

• “You did something different today. What did you do?”